Excerpt from Section One: Finding New Love
Finding New Love
If anyone above the age of 40 dared to write a real-life
personal it might read something like this:
"Honest age here older adult looking for love. I have baggage:
My body is not what it used to be, but I do love to move it. My
kids are almost grown; my elderly parents take the rest of my
time. I'm either widowed and still yearning for my spouse, or
divorced and still bruised from the experience.
"Whether I'm working or retired, I never seem to have enough
money to cover everything, so please don't answer this ad
unless you're financially solvent. I'm basically a shy person,
more cautious than I used to be- more of a worrier too, come
to think of it.
"On the upside, I've developed a fierce capacity to follow
through on life. I've got a wicked sense of humor, and my
passion- when tapped- is as bountiful as ever. I have the kind
of friends that move mountains, and I've moved a few myself
(both friends and mountains). Despite the mileage under my
belt, the heart in my chest is young- and I'm eager to share it."
Excerpt from Section Three: Life Is Messy
All in the Family
This could be a reality TV show: How can marriage survive a
manipulative mother-in-law? Let's plan a strategy.
You can help out, but don't burn out. She's your husband's
mother, so she's primarily his responsibility. If you haven't told
him this before, I wonder if you both often avoid painful topics
or if you have trouble saying no. Remember, even the nicest
people can be manipulative (and I'm not talking about his mom).
There's no harm in setting guidelines. You need to practice
saying, "I know this is an enormous job for you. How can I
help?"
Have an honest talk with your husband. Agree on how long
this arrangement will go on. For instance, it's fair to say that if
your mother-in-law becomes bedridden she won't continue to
live with you. Divide tasks fairly: You shouldn't be the only one
to prepare her meals or take her to the doctor. If you do too
much, you could eventually blow up at her- and that will make
you look like the nut case. Caregiving is exhausting, so use
teamwork. This is where your marriage comes in... or caves in.
Couples can care for others, but their commitments to each
other come first. A mother-in-law can be a safer target than
looking honestly at what may have been a problem before she
arrived. The real issue may be in your marriage, where you
seem to feel that you don't have any say in this matter.
Sallie Foley, MSW
